Tools explained (copied from wherever I saw it)

[xjchad]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ####!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".  Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.  Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

  SON OF A #### TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A ####!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

(This is a mutation
of a column written by Peter Egan and published in Road and Track back
in 1996.
http://www.dinosaursandrobots.com/2009/04/tools-explained-by-do-it-yourselfer.html )

[Crow]

 

[alantani]

yup......   

[Rocket Dog]

sums it up nicely.

[MarkT]

The original version sounds American, the version you quoted sounds Aussie/Kiwi to me.  Unlike the lands down under we don't have drop saws, we have mitre saws... they let you easily cut it wrong either way.

[Darin Crofton]

Hilarious

[Joao Tavares]

 

[Midway Tommy]

Been there, seen them & done that! 

[mo65]

   The author followed me around the shop for a week...never did get any royalty checks from it...

[Donnyboat]

Yes been there,done that, cheers Don.

[Crow]

   I've sent that link to some of the guys I used to work with....mechanics, millwrights, pipefitters, etc. And everybody says, Yup !
 
  I know that if I dug around the shops, I could come up with at LEAST 50 hammers....most every shape and size imaginable , yet, yesterday, I was "tapping" a fitting with a crescent wrench !!

[Dominick]

The original version sounds American, the version you quoted sounds Aussie/Kiwi to me.  Unlike the lands down under we don't have drop saws, we have mitre saws... they let you easily cut it wrong either way.

I guess mitre saw is correct but it is commonly called a chop saw among tradesmen.  I think?  Dominick

[Midway Tommy]

The original version sounds American, the version you quoted sounds Aussie/Kiwi to me.  Unlike the lands down under we don't have drop saws, we have mitre saws... they let you easily cut it wrong either way.

I guess mitre saw is correct but it is commonly called a chop saw among tradesmen.  I think?  Dominick

Just the inexperienced newbie wantabies. Experienced old timers still call them miter saws, & miter boxes for the ones with a hand saw. I still have & use a couple.    

[Decker]

I really needed that laugh!   Thanks, Chad.

I should find or write an IT equivalent.

[MarkT]

Computer equivalent?  All you need to know is that computers do what you tell them and not what you want.